


One Love

by Acadjonne



Category: Japanese Drama, 臨床犯罪学者 火村英生の推理 | Himura Hideo no Suiri | Criminologist Himura and Mystery Writer Arisugawa (TV)
Genre: M/M, Spoiler for episode ten
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 02:45:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6405604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acadjonne/pseuds/Acadjonne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alice contemplates a few things about Himura Hideo. Spoilers for the final episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Love

**Author's Note:**

> To Esther, who introduced me to the little cinnamon rolls

Himura Hideo wasn't the first person Alice ever lost. When he’d been young, he’d lost his grandparents, though all at young ages, so he didn't really remember them. Alice would never forget Himura Hideo though. He meant too much. He was too important.

Sitting on the edge of a cliff, screaming Himura’s name into the angry waters below, it felt almost too unreal. He hit himself, once, twice, three times, fist against his leg, trying to wake himself up. It felt too much like his nightmares, the one where Himura went too close and fell off the cliff while Alice hopelessly watched. Except he hadn’t watched, and the event had been punctuated by two eerie gunshots.

Sakishita had to hold Alice’s arm back from swinging against his leg for a fourth time. The other man was just as shocked at the outcome as Alice, tears threatening to fall as he collapsed next to Alice. Somewhere behind them, Komachi was crying, and Nabeshima looked visibly upset. Eventually, Alice managed to stand on his own, and he and the others walked away, despite every instinct screaming at Alice- screaming for him to stay, to look for his friend, to do _something._ But he couldn't. He could only try to keep himself together until he got to Tokie’s.

She didn’t fare much better than he had at hearing the news, breaking into sobs before Alice could finish his sentence. Himura had been staying with her since college, maybe a bit longer, and she seemed to love him as a son. It would take time for her to get used to Himura being gone, and even more so if some stranger came to live with her. So Alice made a split-second decision. He’d stay with Tokie now that Himura couldn’t. It seemed best for her. Best for both of them.

It was both great and horrible living at Tokie’s, especially since he was now staying in what had been Himura’s room. Alice had been in there countless times, but never had it seemed so empty, and he didn't want to move anything out of place. Half the time he didn’t even fall asleep in the room, simply staying awake as long as he could on his computer or doing something or other for Tokie and crashing in chairs or on the couch. He also took to drinking energy drinks and coffee. He couldn't bare to sleep.

It felt like a part of Alice broke when Himura died, and no matter how hard he tried to move on, he just couldn't. Whenever he closed his eyes, there was Himura; his smile, the nice one, not the one he’d said not to let the police see. His hair, his hands, the look in his eyes when he and Alice were at Tokie’s safe and sound after Alice had been kidnapped by Moroboshi. The trust he put into Alice so very often. How he’d responded to Alice in the ambulance when he yelled about his stupidity. The look on Himura’s face when Alice had asked if he’d needed to wake him up, the answer of, “ _please, and gently_.” Every time Alice closed his eyes, it broke his heart. He was feeling the phantom pain of every time his heart had tugged at the mere thought of Himura. How he’d never come clean to Himura about just _why_ he lived so far from his family, really.

Aside from memories of Himura when he closed his eyes longer than to blink, sleep brought with it a figment of Alice’s imagination; a life with Himura still around. One such dream was so vivid and intense Alice had woken up and asked Tokie if Himura had already left for work. The words had barely left his mouth when he’d realized what he’d said, that it had only been a dream, and after that he decided he didn’t want to sleep anymore. Not if it meant seeing Himura like that. He didn't want to keep hanging on to the phantom limb that was Himura, and his place in Alice’s life.

For all Alice had tried to keep a normal sleep schedule and be a part of society while Himura was still around, without him he became the epitome of the writer stereotype. He had bags under his eyes, and maybe even bags under those. He hadn't gone out but to give a statement about that day, and the most interaction he had aside from Tokie was her cat. He stared for hours at a blank computer screen, trying to get an idea, any idea, for a new novel. The only thing he seemed to be able to think of was Himura, about breaking his rule about not writing anything that had really happened in favour of immortalizing Himura, of becoming even more like the Watson he seemed to be so much like. He also thought back to that conversation with Himura, where they’d discussed Holmes and Watson. He hadn't told him how Holmes eventually came back after “dying” at Reichenbach Falls. He'd almost wanted Himura to bring it up himself at the time, or to acknowledge it. He’d have thought Himura had read the books, seeing his own likeness to Sherlock Holmes, though that may have been a far fetched hope.

Several weeks after Himura’s initial death, Tokie decided Alice needed to get out of the house for a bit. Reluctantly, he agreed, and went on his way. The first place he went was to his apartment, out of habit, until he realized where he was. There was nothing left for him there. The next place he went was the university. It was odd being there without Himura. While he was there, Akemi caught him. She seemed to want to give him her condolences, but she didn’t. She could probably tell how close he was to breaking.

After the university, Alice decided to go back to Tokie’s house. It felt like too long a day, but it had only been a couple of hours. By the time he got back though, Tokie had made tea, which Alice gladly accepted. So he sat in the chair, staring at his laptop and idly drinking tea. Eventually he ran out, and Tokie offered him more. When she took his cup however, she looked up towards the door and nearly dropped it. Alice’s reflexes were barely fast enough to catch it, and with the cup safely in his grasp, he looked over to what had Tokie so shocked. Only to freeze in his spot.

Because there, at the door, stood Himura Hideo, in all his glory, thought looking slightly more disheveled than usual. In an instant, Alice’s brain was racing. Part of him wanted to scream, yell, cry. Another part urged him to grab onto Himura and never let go. The part that won, however, had him running away, dropping the mug and pushing past a shocked looking Himura into the streets beyond Tokie’s front door. He didn't even bother to take off his slippers and actually put on shoes. Alice just ran anywhere his feet took him, and he did so fast.

Alice could pretend he didn't hear the oh-so-familiar voice screaming his name, or the pounding footsteps following after him like thunder. Alice was good at pretending, after all, he was a writer. He invented worlds for a living. But the voice was still there, pleading for him to stop, to let the owner explain. It made Alice’s chest feel like it was about to burst, and he stumbled, nearly tripping. He managed to right himself against a building, flinging himself around the corner and into an alleyway. The thunderous footsteps grew closer, until a body slammed against Alice, knocking them both to the pavement. Strong arms were wrapped around him, and against his back he could feel a heaving chest. The other man’s hair tickled his neck as he raised his head from where it had rested against Alice’s back.

“Alice, I'm sorry,” he panted. Alice tore his arms out to the sides, freeing himself from Himura’s grip.

“You’re not sorry,” he ground out, “or else you'd have come back sooner. It's been almost _three months_ , asshole!”

The two men sat there panting heavily for a few moments. Alice could feel tears stinging at the corners of his eyes, and looked away from Himura. He didn't want to let him see him crying.

“I didn’t want to be gone so long,” Himura said. There was something there, just on the edge of his voice, that Alice could almost make out. Was it tears? Sadness? Regret? And looking up at him through his hair, it was the first time Alice had seen him so distraught-looking. It didn't look quite right, almost like it was something that was never meant to be on Himura’s face to begin with. “After Moroboshi died, I couldn't just come back. The Shangri-La Crusade, they knew she wanted me dead. If they had known I'd survived they'd have continued going after me. I didn't want to come back too early and risk everyone’s safety, but I didn't want to wait too long either. Besides, a three month grieving period is the standard, right?”

He sounded sincere. He sounded like he wasn't quite as okay as he wanted Alice to believe, like he was slightly hurt. But Alice didn't want to buy it. Didn't want to be hurt again _himself_. So he raised his fist, and with a well placed shot to the lower right jaw, sent Himura face first back onto the ground. Himura’s hand went up to cradle his injury.

“ _You didn't want to wait too long_? Himura, you idiot, why the hell did you think you could come back here after three months unannounced when everyone thought you were dead?!” Alice was radiating anger, but the tears he’d been trying to hide were falling freely down his cheeks now. “Do you know how much I hated the thought of falling asleep because if I did, I'd wake up not knowing you were gone? I scared Tokie half to death because I didn't do anything but stay awake until I passed out and then woke up two days later. I-”

Himura, mostly recovered now from Alice’s blow, leaned forward and quickly wrapped his arms around him. Alice complied this time, bringing his arms around Himura’s waist as he buried his face into the other man’s neck. Himura comfortingly rubbed Alice’s back.

“I tried so hard to keep you away from the edge, to stop you from doing anything drastic, yet you slipped through my fingers like sand. They tried telling me it wasn't my fault but I couldn’t- I lost you, I couldn't help you and I lost you.” Alice sobbed. Himura’s hands tightened slightly around his shoulders.

“You didn't lose me, Alice. I did this to protect you.” Himura whispered.

“I don't need to be protected.”

“Neither do I, but I don't try to stop you.” Something inside of Alice fluttered when Himura said this.

“I do it because I care about you.” said Alice. Himura pulled away a bit, just enough to look at him. He was frowning at Alice.

“Do you care in the way I think you do?” he asked.

“That depends on what way you think.” Alice responded.

He was fully unprepared for when Himura leaned forward, placing a kiss on the corner of Alice’s lips. He knew it was deliberate. He was giving Alice a chance to move away from him, or to pretend it didn't mean what they both knew it did. It partly counted as a kiss on the cheek just as much as on the lips. It wasn't necessarily love, more than a deep caring of lifelong friends, or friends who had little boundaries. Their friendship had never been one of the latter, and they hadn't known each other long enough to be considered ‘lifelong friends’, so only to them was Himura’s intent really clear. Alice met his friend’s eyes as he realized he seemed to be waiting for a response.

“In that way.” Alice agreed, though he'd already technically responded to the earlier question with his previous comment. He nodded a bit, almost as if to assure both of them again, and leaned forward himself, repeating Himura’s gesture before returning to wrap his arms around him once again.

In Himura’s arms, Alice felt at home. Himura felt likewise.


End file.
